October 4, 2019
This past weekend was pretty emotional! This was the first time real tears of excitement and joy were shed. Post IVF and a positive pregnancy test, you’d think that immediate joy would settle in but to my surprise, it didn’t.
I was still struggling with lots of fear and worry. I was trying to get through a very hard season while finding joy. I felt grateful yet sad. And guilt was really starting to settling in.
There were moments that I asked God why this ongoing feeling of sadness kept lingering. Different things would trigger it. And I found that I’m not the only IVF patient who’s felt the same way as I asked other women who had gone through it too. Up until this point I had to be cautiously optimistic. And it was hard to switch from that to joy in a matter of a day. It’s almost like I had to rewire your brain.
The biggest hurdle after getting a positive pregnancy result was continuing to take injections. I saw other mamas-to-be and inevitably compared my journey with theirs. I was heartbroken that I couldn’t just move on from the medicine and the physical pain.
I told my husband, “I’m so thankful but this is still hard for me to get through. I’m still experiencing the loss of what could’ve been”. That night I prayed and asked God to help my heart find joy. To help my heart and body heal. I knew that he could heal the hurt, the loss, and the physical toll my body had gone through.
In the morning, I woke up and said to myself, “We’re going to have a gender reveal party”. Now, I’ve never liked gender reveal parties. I’ve always thought they were corny and unnecessary. That’s what baby showers are for, right? Well something in me told me that I had to start celebrating even in the midst of feeling blue. I had to receive God’s joy by doing the sacred act of celebrating.
Advice: never say never. Life changes every minute. We change as people. And what one day we thought we’d never do, maybe that’s the very thing we need to do to move forward. In this case, it was a cheesy gender reveal party.
The best part was sharing this with our family. They have been just as invested in seeing this miracle happen as us. They have prayed, supported, and been there for the hardest days. In the end, we are so happy we did this party with them.
Plus, we got to eat some pretty delicious food and satisfy our sweet tooth with a mini candy bar. Everything was budget friendly yet fun and pretty. Shoutout to Five Below and the Dollar Store 😉
Five months have passed since we found out we were becoming parents. And even though there are still days that I struggle with this infertility journey, I’ve gotta say that God has truly turned my mourning into dancing (as you can see from the pictures). He has taken care of my heart and is healing it more and more each day.
We are ecstatic to be having a baby boy! My father-in-love is the only one of his brothers who had a son. And Edward, my hubby, is the only son who is having a son to carry the Palma name! God is faithful!
To my son, Phoenix Palma, we love you. You already fill our hearts with a joy that’s unexplainable. Your life is marked by godly legacy. And your name expresses exactly who you are: rising from the ashes, renewal of life, and uniquely remarkable. To us and to so many people, you are uniquely remarkable–our first miracle baby. Te amo, mi bebe!