January 29, 2021
At 11 months Phoenix loves stealing my green smoothie, crawling and standing EVERYWHERE, enjoys being outside and exploring new textures like grass, and officially owns his first pair of Nike Airs.
I can hardly believe we are a few weeks away from Phoenix’s 1st birthday. ::mind blown:: This past year the days felt like forever but in reality it went by quicker than I thought. Time is moving faster and I’m trying to hold on to every moment and memory as much as I can.
I take pictures daily of Phoenix and special milestone moments are recorded too. I don’t want to miss a single things.
What a rollercoaster of a year. Of a journey, I should say. Motherhood brings so many changes. Your body changes. Your dream changes. Your career changes. Your marriage changes. Your mind changes.
And for women like me who have gone through infertility and fertility treatments, the journey can feel longer and more complicated. The emotional baggage (anxiety, fear, loss, grief) you carry going into pregnancy and then postpartum takes time to unpack and heal from. Add a global pandemic and… my goodness, it’s a lot.
I have tried with all my strength to remain hopeful, positive, and full of faith. Somedays are easier than others. Thankfully, my mind and body feel like they’re getting back to being me. And that feels great!
Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how I will manage to work full-time, run a small biz/ blog, stay at home with Phoenix, and be a wife, and clean, and make time for me. It all feels incredibly overwhelming. And frankly, it’s hard not to feel like I’m failing when I’ve dropped the ball in more than one area.
What’s been my solution to all the changes, ups and downs, failures? Pouring it all out before God. Just laying it all out there for Him to hear and see. For a while I just felt like a broken record. And so I stopped the sacred and holy practice of pouring my heart out before the Lord.
But I was reminded recently, that like the woman who anointed Jesus with her tears and perfume, I too can pour out all of me before Him. I can become undone before Him. He can handle it.
Mama, you can unravel before your God. He is not like us who become awkward, distant, or embarrassed by vulnerability. He can see it and hear it all without a flinch.
Being a mom has taught me that just like Phoenix can cry loud or quiet tears, so can I cry loud or quiet tears before my Heavenly Father.
Leading up to Phoenix’s 1st birthday, I look back and remember all that had to come into place to get here. There has been sorrow and joy.
I think of the present. How beautiful it is to witness the smile and milestones of a new life.
And as I look ahead, I stop. I give the future to God. As much as I’d like to dwell in the “what ifs” of the future, I decide to pour it all out to God and let him carry that burden for me. It makes me a better mom, a better wife, and a more faithful follower of Christ.
Mamas, tias, abuelas, sisters–Let him heal the wounds of the past. Let his hands hold your future. And live in the present where His mercies are new and His grace is more than enough.